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The other day I passed by the Sabra tree here in Israel and I noticed that it was in bloom.  We have been living here for a little under a year now so this was my first time experiencing and witnessing the seasons changing along with the cycles of the plants and flowers here.

Every single time I passed the prickly pear cactus tree all I saw was just that - prickly pears.  I once tried to touch one of the leaves and I was badly pricked.  (I guess I should have realized that - but the explorer in me wanted to find out for myself.)  After I was pricked I never really stopped to take notice of the popular tree that grows everywhere here in Israel.  It just fell to the background with the rest of the dessert scenery where I live.

But the other day as I walked along the usual path I take to get to the local supermarket I looked up and I was struck by the beautiful soft flowers growing out of this tough and untouchable plant.

I stopped and walked toward the tree to take a closer look.

The tree on the outside looked the same - not greener than usual and still very prickly.  But in the middle of each leaf shown a soft, yellow, bright flower.

I stood there in amazement and realized something.

What may look hard, tough, “ugly”, and untouchable on the outside can be filled with beauty and grace on the inside.  The beauty, however, only emerges in its proper time and season - when it has what it requires to bloom.

There are times when we come across people and all we can see are their faults and their roughness.  It is so much easier to focus on what is wrong with the person, as opposed to looking for things that are positive and special - especially with the people closest to us.

Sometimes people do not even realize how much beauty is inside of them.  Sometimes these people are only seen for their faults, bad behavior, poor schoolwork,and may be literally told that they are good for nothing.

How can someone see the beauty inside of themselves if all everyone else sees and points out are their faults?

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Today, take the time to take notice of only the positive qualities in the people you truly care about.  Instead of noticing their faults, stop yourself, and instead think of something positive, loving and encouraging to say to that person…and then say it.

Sit down to make a list of all the positive qualities you see in the people you care most about (including yourself!)  Look at that list once a day for two weeks.

Share your ‘findings’ with your loved ones on a regular basis.

Help them to see the beauty that is within them so that they too can bloom and thrive.

*****

Get R.E.A.L. -

Respect yourself; find

Encouragement within;

Appreciate your unique gifts and strengths;

Love yourself…unconditionally!

Stay REAL.

*****

Contact Jenny to find out how you can start getting REAL with yourself and the people you care most about.

In Israel:  054.331.5781

American line:  718.395.2331

Email: thegetrealcoach@gmail.com

photo by nathanrussel

The other day I did a project with my kids to help teach the concept of ‘loving your neighbor as you love yourself.’  I found a nice arts and crafts project on how to make hugging hands on a website called Chinuch.org.  We made these ‘hands’ out of oak tag and construction paper.  The kids had fun cutting out heart shapes and pasting it on the ‘arms’ of their hugging hands and finally tracing, cutting, and then pasting their ‘hands’ onto this long piece of oak tag.

When the project was done, I put the arms around each child’s waist and added Velcro to attach the hands so that it would stay around their waist…and then I wondered…

If this project is about teaching the concept of loving others, why are we making hugging hands that hug ourselves and not the other person?

It seemed my daughter was wondering the same thing.

As soon as I fastened her ‘arms’ around her, she asked me why the hands are hugging her.  It was as if a light bulb went on in my head.  The coaching voice in me emerged and I instinctively responded with:

“I guess what this teaches us is that we have to really love ourselves before we are able to really love someone else.”

When I was a young girl learning about this concept to love others just as you love yourself, the emphasis was always on the other, never the self.  In fact, focusing on the self always seemed like a selfish thing to do.

But now the message was so clear.  The verse could have easily stated: “Love your neighbor.”  Done.  But no, instead the verse adds, “as you love yourself.”

This begs the question:  What if you don’t love yourself?  Are you truly, then, able to love another?

I realized something about myself.  I realized that when I am having a difficult time being kind to someone else, accepting someone else, or even forgiving someone else, it is often because there is a part of me that I am not loving, that I have not fully accepted, that I am insecure about, or that I have not fully forgiven.

I know that it is when I feel whole and secure that I am the most capable of giving (and receiving) the most love.  It is when I feel comfortable with who I am, that I can be the most accepting of others.

How about you?

Do you sometimes find it hard to accept someone else?  Are there times when you find it difficult to give, or to recieve love easily and freely?

During those times, are you truly loving and accepting of yourself?

This week, give some loving to yourself.  Take time to do something that you enjoy.  Forgive yourself.  Honor yourself with kind and accepting words (even out loud).  Take some time to get to know and love the real you.

If you’re feeling stuck on this, give me a call or send me an e-mail.  I can help you get to know, love and accept the real you.

It’s never too late.

*****

Get R.E.A.L.

Respect yourself; find

Encouragement within;

Appreciate your unique gifts and strengths;

Love yourself…unconditionally.

I have been reading “The Five Love Languages of Children” and I am loving it!  Reading it and applying my new learning is significantly impacting the way I show love to my kids.  And I am noticing a change in their behavior as well.  They are feeling our love and responding so well to it.

The basic rundown of the five love languages is that everyone has a specific love language - and when spoken to in that love language, the other feels your love in the most significant way.  The five love languages are:  Physical Touch; Words of Affirmation; Gifts; Acts of Service; and Quality Time.

Everyone requires to be spoken to in all of these ‘love languages’ but when their own love language is expressed to them - it shouts love to them!

To find out more about “The Five Love Languages” go to www.fivelovelanguages.com.  Take the 30 second test to find out more about what your love language is (I learned that mine is Quality Time.)

I intend to read “The Five Love Languages” for couples next and looking forward to it!

A few months ago we received a phone call from a parent of a boy my son goes to school with.  The mom asked if my son would be interested in coming over to play with her son at their house after school the next day.  My husband and I were excited about this.  We moved to Israel not too long ago and this would be our son’s first ‘play date’ with an Israeli child.

We told our son about this exciting news the next morning as he was getting ready for school, but he did not seem as excited as we were.  In that moment I had a choice.  I could have jumped in and said something like, “Isn’t this so exciting!  It is going to be so much fun!”, and go on to tell him all the reasons why he would have a great time.  That would have been my natural reaction.  After all, this was a great idea, one that would get him on the path of making new friends in our new community.   But at the time I was reading a book I highly recommend to parents: “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”  by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and I had just finished the chapter on ‘Dealing with Feelings.’

In the chapter, the authors suggest that one of the ways to show support to your child is by ‘naming the feeling.’  So instead of jumping in with telling my son how I wished he would feel, I decided to try out this new suggested tool.

I looked at my 5 1/2 year old son  and realized that he had a confused look on his face.  Here is how the conversation went:

“You look confused sweetheart.”

“Yeah.  My legs want to go, but (and he pointed to his chest up) this part of me doesn’t.”

Wow, I was not expecting him to be able to express himself so clearly.  I continued to ‘name the feeling’…

“Hmmm, I see.  It seems like part of you wants to go and part of you is nervous, or scared.”

“Yep.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid that nobody will speak English and understand what I am saying.”

I felt so thrilled that he was able to express himself, but I made an effort to stay very ‘matter of fact’ so that I could give him the support that he required.   I went on to ask him what would help him feel better about going and we had a discussion about how we would ‘deal’ with the language situation and came up with a solution he was satisfied with.

Then his whole manner changed.  He smiled, and ran to breakfast.  He was excited just like we hoped he would be.

I wonder what would have happened had I not chosen to ‘name the feeling’ and instead jumped in with solutions.  My son probably would have felt invalidated, confused, and forced to do something he would not have fully been comfortable with doing.  A tantrum and argument would have likely followed.

Choosing to take the time to stop, be mindful, recognize what he may be feeling, and giving him the opportunity to express what he was really feeling helped me know how to support him.  I was thrilled to have this new simple tool in my back pocket.  It was such a gift and reading about it when I had was perfect timing!

Making the choice to listen to understand to my son, as opposed to trying to convince my son to go to this play date came from a place of wanting to relate to my son, instead of trying to control him or the situation.

I learned both from my personal and professional experience that when we listen to understand we boost our child’s self-esteem, we are sending them the message that what they are feeling and what they have to say matters.  Constantly telling them what to do sends them the message that we don’t believe in them; that what they are feeling or what they have to say doesn’t matter.

My son ended up staying at his new friend’s house for over two hours that day.  When I called him in the middle of it (as was part of our solution), he sounded great and actually said that he did not want to speak, but instead get back to playing.  He sounded confident and happy on the phone and my heart was filled with gratitude to Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.   (And of course, I gave myself a pat on the back too.)

*****

How about you?

How do you like to be listened to?

What is it like for you when you are feeling upset or anxious about something and someone you care about disregards your feelings and jumps in with solutions and just tells you, “Everything is going to be okay, don’t worry about it,” without hearing how you may be feeling or showing any interest in your concerns?

Today, take the time to be fully present and to listen to understand to someone that you care about.  Take the pressure off of yourself and hold yourself back from trying to fix the problem and make it go away.

We all know that wanting to fix someone’s problem and not wanting them to feel pain is coming from a very well-meaning place, but think about what message you want to send to the person you really care about.

I would love to hear about your experience with this.  So please share a comment or send me a quick e-mail.  I promise to really listen to what you have to say.

*****

Get R.E.A.L.

Respect yourself; find

Encouragement within;

Appreciate your unique gifts and strengths;

Love yourself…unconditionally!

Contact Jenny “The Get REAL Coach” today so that you can start getting REAL with yourself and the people you care most about.

In Israel: 054.331.5781   *   American Line: 718.395.2331   *   Email: getrealcoaching@gmail.com